The Smell of... Fall and well Forgiveness.

What does the word "fall" mean to you?
We find it so pretty when leaves change colors, and... fall.
Honestly, my favorite thing to do is to play in the leaves.
Kicking them around like when I was little
Walking out in the brisk mornings, it reminds me of my grandpas house.
That is one of my favorite smells
No not his dirty feet.
But the CHANGE of seasons.

I have been falling steadily.
At moments I try to open my eyes, but than I realize, I am awake
I want to cry at times
Sometimes I don't even know why
I want my Sundays back
I feel torn in too many directions
I feel empty,
but I don't really know how to describe to people what I feel
or who I can tell.
I have built so many walls around me
They are bound to fall

Tonight I had an experience.
I went to dinner.
had some good convo's,
even "played" an instrument from "Australia"
A boogiewagi? eh.
Your lips had to be relaxed, and well I was tense
Reminded me of the Ricola add.
Tonight I learned.
When we do not forgive others, it does not affect others, just us.
When we can't forgive ourselves it is telling Jesus Christ that his sacrifice wasn't enough.
I felt bad.
I want to improve.
I need to forgive, I need to keep going on with my life.

Stupid Squirrels ate my amazing pumpkin.
Chef laughed hard at that story.
Also we had a "rat" or "Squirrel" in our apartment this week.
Gross says a funny friend.

Went to the doctor this week.
The pain medicine was amazing, though it made me really sleepy/goofy
I am nervous to get off birth control
I am praying that I can and will be able to bear the pain
Doc says I have ovarian cysts.
Best way to describe it is like a major cramp you get from running, but than x100 and than you cant stand up, and you vomit and what not. Someone pinching your side every second.
Mostly concentrated on my right side.
They pop and I get pain
WOO, fun stuff!
Hey I got 3 days off of work.
I laid around, thinking about life
I honestly thought about my family and ways to be closer to them

I feel so horrible.
So incomplete
I have not cussed in 4 days by the way!
I have decided I need to stop.
It is just so bad in the work place.

Everything will work out.
I know it will. I have faith that it will.
My parents and my family are my threshold.
They are such an amazing support system
I can tell them anything, even if it is awkward!
They don't judge me.
They truly love me
They won't leave me
They truly talk to me, about anything.
Honestly they are all holding my hand right now.
Right when I need them the most.

I have drifted so far
I should be able to recognize who I am.
What have I become?
It is time to come back.
To be Katie Mae, the real one.

Just keep smiling. We can do it!

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